If you already know what I’m talking about, you are more hip than me. This Pixar Conspiracy Theory idea was foreign to me, though not surprising, given Disney’s history of Easter Eggs in their films. Remember when Easter eggs were simple? As a child, we paused/rewound/played over and over again to giggles and cackles whenever one of these hidden gems was uncovered. Admittingly, I miss the days of this simplistic Disney secrecy … So first, let’s take a trip down memory lane….

Underwater phallic castles…

Erotic Arabian princes…

And derogatorily dispersed flora…

Well, apparently Pixar took animation shenanigans to a WHOLE. NEW. LEVEL.

At a team lunch yesterday, conversation took a turn for the crazy. What started out as “Arby’s is cool because it was the royalty of fast food growing up” somehow became “big corporation is out to get us all”. I don’t recall the exact details that moved us from A to B, but it probably went something like this…

• Me: I love Arby’s
• Tennille: Duh, everyone loves Arby’s!
• Jeff: Arby’s is the greatest restaurant in the world.
• Sean: Arby’s could totally rule the world.
• Laura: What if Arby’s really did rule the world?
• Sean: I’d eat myself to death
• Michelle: Wasn’t that the storyline of WALL-E?
• Me: Wait, what?
• Jeff: Oh yeah, Pixar has predicted our apocalypse for over a decade.
  
• Me: … (fork drop)

And with that, the Pixar Theory was introduced. A world of crazy that links all 13 Pixar movies into a chronological order for apocalyptic chaos. The website above is the simple version, but for a more complex telling, you can always check out this cracked.com video. I admit the theory gets a bit far-fetched at times, but I do like the science fiction twist of time travel, wood=magic and interwoven universe. So, if you have not seen this yet, go check out the website and have some fun. I definitely want to introduce Pixar to my kids for the first time in true chronological order, future Neiman children beware prepare…

Mind. Blown.

4 out of 5 HelloNeimans

Movie Review Haiku:

Fast paced from the start.
Still edge of seat by credits.
Tom good, Abdi great.

Movie Review Detail:

Not sure why I skipped this in the theaters, but an Oscar run gave me the chance to catch up now like the rest of you. A lot of hype about this movie, and if I could sum it up in one word … it would be INTENSE. From within 10 minutes, you are watching the aggression unfold, and halfway through it really kicks into high gear. Up until the very ending, your heart beat will race and your eyes will be locked. No spoiler here, but everything within the lifeboat must have been tough to film, but was great to watch.

The best. The emotional relationship between the 4 pirates was astounding. First with the other pirates, then with Captain Phillips and crew, and finally with each other. Barkhad Abdi (limo driver from Minneapolis!) was absolutely spot on. For a first time acting gig, him and his cohorts were exactly what you fear when you hear the term “Somali Pirates”. He has some tough competition (Jonah is my vote, followed closely by Fessbender), but it was no doubt an Oscar nomination-worthy performance.

The Worst. There wasn’t really a “worst”, except that the script for Phillips and crew tried a bit too hard. I don’t know the real Captain (sorry Avi Olitzky, I missed my chance), but it all seemed to work out a little too easily for the first half. Hinting at broken glass, suggesting they stop for water, etc. Maybe pirates are that naive, but I was both on the edge of my seat and offering sighs of “seriously? come on!” for the first half. They definitely made up for it in the second half though, once the crew was out of the picture, the whole movie took an intense turn for the better.

The Verdict: Worth seeing for sure, but maybe while working out. Take your aggression and intensity out on the treadmill while watching the turmoil erupt within. You’ll get a good flick, a good shvitz, and a good story.

5 out of 5 HelloNeimans

Movie Review Haiku:

Boiler Room Part 2.
Bigger, Better, Druggier.
You will drink it up.

Movie Review in Detail:

Having perhaps the biggest hype of award movies this season, The Wolf of Wall Street did not disappoint. A three hour epic tale of the rise and fall of wall street stardom, I wanted more after the credits rolled. The film is an exciting drug-induced high of cinematic excellence, and every minute of the story twisted your love or hate of the characters portrayed. This movie is yet another telling of the rich and infamous life of Jordan Belfort, but I’d watch 100 films of his life if they are all like these two. And, I don’t mind giving money to this deadbeat of a man, because every penny he makes is now going back to restitution of the victims he swindled. So, let’s make a sequel already Marty!

The Best: Uhh… everything? So far this is movie is neck and neck with Book Thief for my Best Picture vote. And for similar reasons. The story is simply amazing from start to finish and leaves you on the edge of your seat eager for more. Honestly, this film is as much a drug as the Quaaludes oft-swallowed. I want more more more! In addition, this has got to be Jonah Hill’s best performance. He showed us what he can do last year with Moneyball, and this time he goes for the jugular. He is absolutely my shoe-in for Best Supporting Actor (hilarious fake teeth and all). Be on the lookout for the awesome scene in a mini-mall parking lot between him and Shane from Walking Dead. Beyond Hill, were a ton of other great performances by McConaughey, Reiner, Bernthal and ESPECIALLY Margo Robbie. Who the hell is this girl and why has she gone this long without doing a nude sex scene? Thanks Marty for that one as well, as if you didn’t have enough to sell this to money-and-power hungry men…

The Worst: [SPOILER ALERT] Not really much to bad mouth here, it was an awesome story, incredible casting, great acting all around, and just a great fun movie. Possibly the only areas of improvement are the ending. There is a lot of chatter about whether Scorsese was too easy on Belfort at the end, but that is not my critique here. I did struggle with the last 10 minutes though because he did not really explain what happened completely. I had to go back and re-read the synopsis on Wikipedia to see what happened with the on-again-off-again deal with the Feds. I thought perhaps Donny had ratted everyone instead of Jordan, because he was watching the bust occur without actually being taken himself. From that sequence on, it felt like Scorsese was trying to wrap things up too quickly and off-speed from the rest of the detailed storyline.

The Verdict: Call in sick to work, you need a day to yourself immediately. And after watching this instead, you’ll come back to the office tomorrow with a new found passion and excitement to “sell me this pen”.

4 out of 5 HelloNeimans

Movie Review Haiku:

All critics are right,
Seaworld is evil empire.
…Yet you all have gone.

Movie Review in Detail:

This was a very well made film, the music fit very well with the different themes of the events, the actors were appropriately emotional when needed, and the message is very clearly received by this critic and all others. As a documentary, I truly appreciated the film and like all of you, believe it will standout as one of the great documentary’s of our generation.

As for the social agenda of the film … I don’t understand why this is news to anyone. Every college kid with too much time on his hands social media political activist/expert has been posting to Facebook about how powerful this movie is, how horrible “the man” of Seaworld is, and how we should never have let this happen. During the movie, there are countless interviews by people who “knew what they were doing was wrong, but they did it anyways”. Only now, years later when accidents have happened and society has requested change in trainer behavior, do people finally step up and speak out against Orca captivity. Now you speak up??

And, yet, we have all been to one of these aquatic parks as kids … and loved it.

This movie is taking advantage of some horrific situations, and feels like little more than OSHA’s attempt to bankrupt Seaworld as payback to the court cases referenced in the film. The political agenda is strong, the desired results are clear, and the media reaction is exactly as expected. But these horrific events should never have happened in the first place, and this movie will propel just as many people to visit Seaworld as those that boycott it. After seeing this, you know kids will line up to buy tickets at a “chance to see a whale attack”. That is as sad a fact as it is true.

I did like the movie, and I appreciated the attempt to make a social change from it, but I don’t like how it was done. You will likely watch it, be touched, and speak out against me … but deep down you know I am a little right.

1 out of 5 HelloNeimans

Movie Review Haiku:

Tons of Great Movies
But these are not two of them
Don’t be fooled. Skip them.

Movie Reviews in Detail:

There is really not much to say except these are 2 very bad movies. I had high hopes for both going into the Christmas week, but would very much like the time and money back.

Out of the Furnace had high hopes, with a good cast and a very intriguing trailer. But it is slow, uneventful, and pointless up until and including the end. Two hours is a long time to give up for this, and you’ll find yourself looking at your watch constantly to see how much could possible be left.

47 Ronin had enough red flags going in to expect disaster. A horrible star actor in Keanu Reeves, a first-time director in Carl Rinsch, no secondary stars to backup the bad Keanu, and a story so historic and legendary that it was bound to let down expectations. Well it did … if you had any going in, which would have been a mistake. This is simply a bad movie, where you are constantly laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. My favorite part is that there is NO explanation why they let the Samurai out of his dungeon prison. If they simply left him there, then the movie would have ended after 10 minutes.

Verdict: Do yourself a favor, skip these and go see American Hustle or Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey instead. They aren’t great, but at least you get better performances out of the lead actors.