For those who aren’t sure what’s going on over at Hello Neiman HQ, we are two chapters into my new book idea, told in serial style all week. And so far, this new story has established that I plan everything obsessively, and that it has yet to help me a single time. What’s that famous Yiddish proverb? Oh yeah… “Man Plans and God Laughs.”
Part 3 is below, keep reading to see what he laughs at next. And subscribe here to get the rest as soon as it goes up.
If you’re just joining us or need a refresher, you can read all parts of the series here.
Chapter 3 – A Slight Delay
“Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention?” The voice over the tiny airport’s PA interrupted my daydream of finding a slice of huckleberry pie before the weekend was out.
“I regret to inform you that today’s flight to Minneapolis has been overbooked and is past the legal weight limit for takeoff. We are looking for 14 passengers to volunteer their seats in exchange for a $500 voucher on another flight. Unfortunately, we will not be able to board until resolved.”
Fourteen people?! How in the world was this flight so overbooked? I didn’t know where to direct my anger, but it landed somewhere between the FAA and Samsonite.
I pulled up the Delta Airlines app to see my options. Tomorrow’s flight wasn’t until noon, and a voucher wouldn’t hurt. This was the one and only flight out of White Plains, so no luck there. They had the same one tomorrow, but it got in too late to make the flight to Montana. I switched to Newark, no more outbound flights to Minneapolis. Then JFK, a few options but all sold out. Holding my breath, I tried the last airport nearby—LaGuardia. There was one flight leaving two and a half hours from now with a single seat open in first class.
Hmm, it’s only about an hour to Queens, I thought. I walked up to the podium just as the agent clicked on the intercom again. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he called, “the offer is now $600. We are still looking for 12 more volunteers.”
“If you can get me on this first class seat for the 6:05 out of LaGuardia, I’ll do it,” I said. “But you’ll have to shuttle me there and get my bag out of the luggage bay, is that possible?”
“Thank you, sir, let’s try and make that happen for you,” he said. Then, looking out at the crowd of other passengers very unwilling to make eye contact, let alone approach, he raised the intercom again. “The offer is now $700…”
It took another hour for them to convince 13 others, remove our luggage, print the vouchers (which by then had nicely risen to $1,200), and coordinate my ride across town. My Uber driver pulled up at 4:30 p.m., and I hurriedly jumped in the car.
“Get me to LaGuardia as fast as this Prius can take us!” I yelled. He knew where we were going already, and it wasn’t his fault I was cutting it this close, but I needed to exclaim the anxiety pumping through my veins at that very moment.
To calm myself, I pulled out my phone and dialed my wife, Dana. She had kindly (albeit begrudgingly) chosen to stay home with the girls for the week to make the trip possible, and I hoped a flight voucher would help thank her for it.
“Good news,” I said quickly, when she answered. “I have $1,200 for us to go anywhere you want for our next vacation.”
“That’s great!” she said enthusiastically. “How? Why?” Then, realizing the hesitancy in my response, she added, “…wait, what’s the bad news?”
“Well, I volunteered my seat for another one out of LGA, but the boarding doors close in 80 minutes and I’m in the backseat of an Uber about an hour from the airport.”
Dana paused before replying again. “Oh no, I’m so sorry. So, what are you going to do if you don’t make it?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “But I will get on that flight to Glacier Park tomorrow if it’s the last thing I do. Nothing is stopping this trip from happening.”
I hung up, and I almost believed it.
See you tomorrow for the next chapter. First time here? Wondering who this hilarious new writer is? Check out Hello My Name is Sharkbait, I promise you won’t be disappointed. But if you are, please leave me a 5-star Amazon review anyway. Pity reviews and comments welcome.
Hello Neiman!
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